Fitting In

*Note this is mostly for journaling purposes, so if for some reason it bores you or you think I am in a pity party, I'm not. I just feel the need to write down my thoughts at this moment before I explode :) Feel free to scroll down as you need, I won't be offended :)*


I have been lucky in my life. I have always found a place to fit in. I have always had at least one best friend, that I could go to at any moment and share my good and bad times with. I have had a few really close friends, and for reasons which are unknown to me, we have grown apart. That happens, I think it is part of life. I am thankful to be able to have fit in, I can't imagine being without friends, because there were some moments in my life where just hanging out with friends was all I needed in order to cheer me up. There have, however been a few times that I have felt like I didn't fit in. Let me tell you it is a hard stage to be in, and not fun.

The first time I remember really not fitting in was the crazy time in my life when I got married. Let me give you just a little background on how my church works in order to help you better understand this story. When teenagers graduate from high school and up until they get married, they are able to go to what is called a singles ward. It is a church service meant only for young single adults, in order for you to meet and mingle, and give kids in that weird gap a place to have friends and basically a place to fit in. If you do not go to a singles ward, then there is the basic family ward, which you probably guessed, is meant for all those who don't fall into the young single adult category. Ok back to my post. So when Kenny and I got married, he was home for 2 weeks before he was deployed to Iraq. So here I was a non-single (but technically single) young women, living with her parents attending a family ward. Man was that a hard time in my life. I felt like nobody understood what I was going through. I couldn't hang out with my single's ward friends anymore because they all went on group dates, and were looking to find marriage companions (which I definitely didn't fit into), and I didn't fit in with the family ward because here I was a (semi)single young adult surrounded with people in their middle ages with kids. Hard as I tried, it just never really worked. We had nothing in common, and I struggled with finding a place in which I felt comfortable. Thankfully, after many tearful phone calls with my dear husband he finally convinced me to get together with his best friend's (who was deployed with him) fiancee because they were both sure that we would get along great. Luckily Carissa and I set up a time to meet (which let me tell you is super scary considering you don't know the person from Adam) and we never looked back from there. Finally, someone who knew what I was going through, someone who had much in common with me, and actually we didn't realize it, but we had gone to elementary and high school together but never really met until years after high school. How Crazy is that!? She definitely was the answer to my heartfelt prayers as I asked my Heavenly Father to help me find somewhere to fit in.

Many years later, 2 deployments and a baby later, I find myself in the same place. Struggling to fit in. No my husband isn't deployed, and no I don't live with my parents, but I now have a (soon to be) one year old, and several friends who don't have kids. As much as they try, and I try to explain, it is just hard to understand having a child unless you actually have one. Whether you like it or not your life now revolves around this child. They have feedings, diaper changes, nap times (or else they are totally grumpy), schedules, don't do well in public places (let me tell you going out to dinner is definitely an adventure), now that she can walk she feels the need to walk everywhere and doesn't like to be held, which also narrows down the things that we can do, and so on and so forth... Is any of this making sense?? Maybe I am just rambling. Oh well it is for my purposes anyway. So here I am trying to explain to friends why we can't hang out at a certain time, why we can't go to a movie, why we can't go to that restaurant or why sometimes just keeping baby girl at home is best. I also feel bad when she cries at all. Sometimes I feel like if you don't have kids the crying and fusiness can get annoying super fast. But sometimes there is nothing I can do about it. She is a baby and sometimes she just gets uncomfortable, tired, irritable etc, in fact most adults have these issues to. So then I find myself frustrated and continually apologizing because she is not smiling and happy, but then I think to myself why am I apologizing for her being a baby? There is no need to apologize. So here I am again, feeling like I don't fit in, where do I find friends who will understand, who will know what it is like? I know you are probably saying find people who have kids, but then sometimes I feel like they are too old, and they will find me too immature. Here I am praying again, for that chance to fit in, and I know sooner or later Heavenly Father will answer my prayers, as I try everything I can to find my place.