Pages

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Strength

I once heard a quote that said "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option." This quote definitely has defined my dealing with this deployment. People tell me all the time "I could NEVER do that.", "I don't know how you do it, knowing your husband is off to war," and many other statements. Well guess what, I don't have a choice. When I found out my husband would be deploying only 2 weeks after we were to be married I thought, how am I supposed to do this. I could NEVER make it a whole year with my husband, knowing he was in constant danger and never knowing when I would hear from him next. But unfortunately the military does not ask if you can handle these situations, in fact they don't even care. I had no choice or say in the matter. If they say your husband is deploying, all you can say is okay, and pray that somehow you will find the strength that you NEVER thought you would have had.
So that is what I did. I sucked it up and day after day I put on a smile, pretended that everything was okay and that this deployment was no big deal. When people asked I always made it sound like everything was great, and I still do to this day. And for the most part it helps, if I keep telling everyone that it's not that bad, maybe I can convince myself of the same. But what do you do when you just don't feel like pretending everything is okay? What do you do when your all out of strength and are exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally? How do you find more strength? The past few weeks I have wondered this. Preparing for this precious baby, on top of all of the other things I have going has become exhausting. And I just don't know where to find the strength to continue. As I was looking through a deployment support website I found this quote, "Some days... no matter how hard you try you're just going to feel empty, and broken and like you're the only one in the world who's ever felt this way. There's no being positive and talking you out of it...It just hurts. But tomorrow has to be better."
Tomorrow HAS to be better. So what do I do when that strength is gone. I take a mental health day, or even just a few hours. I cry, I eat junk, I let myself miss him and just wish he could come home now. I lay in bed and watch TV, whatever it is, I just let myself be sad. This is much needed. And then I tell myself tomorrow HAS to be better, and usually it is. The strength comes back and it is often enough to get me through a few more weeks. So next time you have run out of strength, for whatever reason it may be. I highly suggest this method, I think it works. Please know, I did not write this blog for sorrow or pity, I don't expect you to feel sad for me. Blogging for me is therapeutic, and I only hope that someone can get something out of the blogs I write.