I’ve been trying to find the right words to say. Trying to figure out where to go from here. Life has been so heavy lately. So unfair it seems. So much sadness. Grief is such an interesting emotion. It comes in waves. I’ll be doing just fine and then in an instant I’ll be in tears. I try so hard to just put on a smile, but inside I’m just so sad. I know life isn’t fair, and I know none of us are immune to pain and sadness. But I honestly never thought we would loose you so soon. You always told me you loved my blogs, loved when I wrote. Well I hope you’re reading this, from the other side.
I don’t think I have a memory growing up without you in it. Our families were interchangeable. Instead of my aunt, you were a second mom, and your kids, my siblings. My kids were like your grandchildren. Every major life moment you were there. Flying out or driving down to everything. Births, blessings, baptisms. You would even come without a reason. I remember every time we had a 3 day weekend I would try to convince you to come for a visit. We even met half way in St. George one time. Just because.
I looked forward to going to Utah every summer. You always had ideas of where we would take the kids, and what we would do. This year was no different. You were sending me ideas weeks in advance. You were always prepared with carrots so we could feed the horses behind your house. It was something Rhett especially looked forward to.
We had so many great memories. From when you lived with me for the year Kenny was gone. To making sugar cookies with the kids, man I’ll miss your sugar cookies. You were great at always playing with the kids. All of them. They knew when Aunt Jean came, it was time to play. We also knew when Aunt Jean was around lots of laughs were to happen. So often you laughed so hard you peed your pants. We will never forget those moments. When we found out we were having another girl, I told Kenny her middle name was going to be Jean. So whatever we decided as her first name, it had to go with Jean. I couldn't think of a better way to honor our relationship. And I know my little spitfire will honor your name, hopefully it will remind her to be more kind like you were. :)
Our girls trips were memories I will always cherish. We always got pedicures, you loved doing that. And Jordan usually made us laugh by picking an insane amount of colors for her toes and then suggesting fun colors for you. We always saw a show a Tuacahn. And we never had good luck with the weather. It was either extremely hot or windy and miserable. But we went anyway, always enjoying the time together in the beautiful red rocks. We started a list on my phone of all the places we enjoyed in St. George, so we would remember to go to them year after year. Oh how I wish we were going again this year.
When you came to Arizona we had our regular places too. We always had to go to QT for a fountain drink and “funky doodle” as you called them. Most mornings you would even have a fountain drink waiting for me before I even woke up, because you were always up so early. We usually had to go to Mattas because you remembered loving it from your Mountainside days. Although last time we went you said it had gotten to expensive and we didn’t have to go again. That was the last time you were here.
Sometimes it’s so weird to even say that. The last time you were here. We sat on the couch and watched Hoarders. If I had known that was really one of the last times I was going to see you, would I have done things differently? Would I have made better use of the time?
You were always serving. It was one of your many qualities. Even in the last time you were here, you were here to help drive my kids around since I had broken my ankle. And you were always early for everything. You always said I’d rather be really early than late. If I’m going to be late I’d rather not go. I remember you hated the traffic on the 202, so we left super early and the kids were earlier to school than I think they have ever been. Haha. I can't imagine what would have happened if you hadn't been here when Rem was so sick and spend time in the PICU. The Lord knew I would need you that trip, you stepped in and took care of my other kids so Kenny could work and Mom could be with me at the hospital. There are so many memories, like the time you convinced Grandma to fly down for the twins blessing and surprised me. I had no idea she was coming, you and mom were good at keeping that secret.
You got me my first job at GameOn, and then onto Mountainside. I remember everyone saying oh your Jean’s niece. Everyone loved you there. And it was kind of intimidating, because I felt like I had a name to live up too. I don’t think you realized it but everyone loved you. You had so many friends and people who thought so highly of you.
"Live every day like it's your last," its a quote or saying that I have heard my whole life. I never thought it would apply so closely to my life. I have so many regrets, I wish I would have talked to you more the last day I saw you, wish I would have hugged you when you left. I just assumed I would see you the next day, because that's how it always was when we were in Utah. Aggie Ice Cream, Fredrico's, Gossner's, the discount shop, the pepperidge farm factory.
There are so many memories, I could probably fill pages and pages with memories. I am thankful for those memories. I will keep these close to my heart and speak of them often. I will make sure your memory lives on in our hearts. I hope I can be as strong as you were, resilient, kind and always serving. I need to be better at that. I hope you are having a great birthday with Grandpa, I will have a Dr.Pepper and funkydoodle for you. We love you and miss you more than you will ever know. Until we meet again. 💜
