My Heart Is Heavy...

My heart is heavy tonight.

I know this may sound silly but I am a member of a group on Facebook called "Dear Deployment I hate you." I joined this group because first I totally agree with the name, and second it always helps to hear experiences of people who are going through similar situations as you. No matter where we live, what branch of the military we or our family members are in, we all know what deployment feels like. We all know what it is like to live with our loved ones millions of miles away in a dangerous warzone. We all know the worry that comes when you don't get contact for more than a couple of days (although the military's rule is no news is good news), we always jump to the worst conclusions when we go without hearing from them for long periods of time.

As I read over the experiences and posts that they make, I become more grateful for the deployment that I am going through. For example, I am grateful that Kenny is not part of the submarine team, where they go under water for months at a time, which means no contact with the family members. There are girls that haven't heard from their husbands for months at a time because they are underwater. Luckily I get to hear from mine at least every couple of days, it hasn't been more than 3 days this deployment. I am thankful that my husband was sent to Iraq and not Afghanistan, because Iraq is much calmer than Afghanistan right now. Not that Iraq is safe by any means, but it is definitely calmer. I am thankful that this is ONLY my husbands second deployment. I have met women that are on their fifth and sixth deployment. I cannot imagine having Kenny gone six times for a year every time. This group has been good for me because it has definitely put me into perspective. My trial is nothing, compared to most of these ladies, and as much as I wonder why us, why again, why two deployments, Heavenly Father is constantly reminding me that my trial is very easy compared to those others going through deployments, and for that I think Heavenly Father everyday. He definitely needed to put me in my place.

But today as I read through the posts of the ladies my heart sank when I read this "Dear Deployment, he is dead now...." He is dead now. My eyes teared up as I read that line. Unfortunately you hear of troops being killed in the line of duty too often. My heart cries every time I hear this, but when I read it today from this girl who just lost her best friend and boyfriend, I can't keep the tears from running down my face. I mean I know death is possible, it is a risk you take when you choose to serve your country, but this made it all too real. As I read more into her story, she said the last time they talked it was an argument and she wished that she wouldn't have wasted those last precious moments.....If only she had known.

This definitely reminded me of a few things, whether your loved one is deployed, sitting right next to you, in another state, off to school, whatever it may be, how are we spending those precious moments. Are we wasting our time arguing about things that don't really matter in the long run. Are we reminding our loved ones of how much we actually love them? Are we taking every precious moment to let them know that we care? Because tomorrow is not promised, and I think too many times we take that for granted. Yes I would like to believe and hope that all my loved ones and friends will be with me until their old age, but Heavenly Father has a plan for some of those people, and at any moment He can take them to be with him again.

This makes me thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for eternal families. I am thankful for the plan of salvation and knowing that I will live with my family again in heaven. I know that this life is not the end, and although it will never be easy to loose a loved one, and I can't imagine the thought of my husband never coming home from this deployment. I have to have faith in God's plan for us.

My heart goes out to all of those that loose loved ones during deployment, I can't even imagine how that would be. Especially because it has been months since most of them have seen their loved ones. They make the ultimate sacrifice, and for that I will be forever grateful.

ITS A........................

GIRL!

and we couldn't be more excited! :)

A bun in the oven

Its been a little over three years since this happened:

We have sure enjoyed our time over the years

We have laughed

And we have cried (ok maybe me more than Kenny, but he has definitely shed a few tears)

We have added new family members

And finally after much begging and pleading from our parents :) and much joy for us, this family of 2....

Will become a family of 3

So put in your guesses folks. Boy or Girl??

Cool Experience

This experience was sent around in my ward. If you have not read it yet I highly recommend it!

http://crazycluffcrew.blogspot.com/2010/05/we-thank-thee-oh-god-for-prophet.html

He lives.

He lives. Two words. Such a simple yet profound phrase. A wonderful couple in my ward sang "I know that my Redeemer lives," as a duet today. This song has always been one of my favorites. Each time I hear it the Spirit testifies to me that He does live. The words of the song are amazing and if you haven't truly listened to them I encourage you to. Whenever I am in need of comfort these words seem to bring immediate ease:

He lives to grant my rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives my kind, wise heavenly friend.

He lives and loves me to the end.

He lives and while he lives I'll sing.

He lives my Prophet, Priest and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.

He lives and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare.

He lives to bring me safely there.

Oh sweet, the joy this sentence gives. "I know that my redeemer lives!"

What a great blessing this song is. What comfort it brings to my often troubled heart. There are often days that I realize that if it wasn't for Him, for his life and death, I would be in an awful place right now. I am so grateful for the atonement, for His example, for both Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There are many days that they have to carry me, because I just cannot do it myself. I know through this next year they will continue to carry me, and they will never tire or complain. Even when sometimes my prayers and thoughts are nothing but complaints. They are still there. Preparing my mansion, and helping me conquer all the trials, tribulations and situations that I just cannot do on my own.

I feel as if I need to bear my testimony. I don't know if I have ever done it in such a public venue before, but I hope that you can take something from it. I Know that the Lord with NEVER leave you alone. I know that He will never give us more than we can handle. I know that he prepares us for the trials and tribulations that are coming our way. And even though sometimes I think He forgets who I am, I know that He will never leave me alone. He knows each and every one of us. He knows our trials and tribulations, our strengths and weaknesses. He is my Savior. Amen

I've been waitin' on this long hard day to get over So I can rest my head right here on your shoulder

Sometimes life is tough. There is no doubt about it. Sometimes Heavenly Father throws you curves and you wonder how you are going to handle it. Sometimes all I wish I had was some time, and that sometimes time could be extended. When I was a little girl, I had the same dream as most others, grow up, get married, be a mom, live "happily ever after." When I was a little girl, this was definitely not the life that I dreamed about. But is anyone's life really what they dreamed about? Most likely not, because we are thrown curves, sometimes they are easier to cope with than others. As I think about life, and the next year that will be full of curves, I often wonder what will be the hardest. How do I prepare for those curves so that they are not as hard to deal with when they actually get here? I know that I have done this before and with the Lord anything is possible, but that doesn't mean that it still won't hurt, or be hard. These days I find myself lost in thought more, my mind is constantly running every possible scenario, and often I am wondering what life would be like if Kenny was still here participating in the everyday activities with me.

So what triggered this post? I seemed to have gotten off of topic, but that happens when my mind is running a lot faster than my fingers. Blessings. That's what has been on my mind lately. We are so extremely blessed. The Lord has never left us "high and dry" and the saying goes. We always seem to have enough money to get by (even if we are scrapping by), we have always had a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear, opportunities for work and education. We are so extremely blessed. Besides the materialistic blessings that we have been given, we have also been extremely blessed with nonmaterialistic blessings. We were both brought up in the gospel, we both have great families that would do anything for us. We have a temple marriage and are sealed together for all eternity, along with our future children. And it is those blessings that I am most thankful for, those treasures that I will keep with me for eternity. That is what I am most thankful for. As I often tell Kenny, I would rather live in a cardboard box on the side of the road with him, than have to live life without him. Nothing else really matters.

Which brings me to the title of my post, "I've been waitin' on this long hard day to get over, so I can rest my head right here on your shoulder..." What I miss the most, is just being able to come home and rest my head on his shoulder, what I miss the most is all those little blessings, moments and treasures shared with my best friend. I feel like so much time was wasted watching TV, sitting on Facebook, and on many other unnecessary things. I am going to try harder, not to waste such precious time, because you never know if that second will be your last. It is not worth the few extra minutes checking statuses, or seeing who wins some reality TV show. Make sure you are recognizing your blessings and making those small moments count now, while you have them, before they are gone.

3 years

Three years ago today, this happened. We were married in the Mesa Temple for all time and eternity. I am so thankful for that day and for a husband that was worthy to take my to the temple. He is pretty much the most amazing man that I know. He is always willing to do anything for me, literally, like even serving in Iraq and Afghanistan so that the war will be kept off our soil. I don't know an adequate way to express how much I love him and all that he does for me. So here are just a few of the thoughtful things that he has done for me, and the things that I am definitely grateful for!

1) He recently sold his Bow, and quads so that we could take a trip to Disneyland before he deployed. (if you know my husband you know what kind of a sacrifice that was for him)

2) He has stayed up many nights into the wee hours of the morning helping me study for finals and test, most recently last night he stayed up and texted me until one thirty in the morning to keep me awake so I could study for a final, even though that meant he probably would not get much sleep that night.

3) This past month during the most stressful part of school for me; finals, projects and so many other things, I would come home to find the house clean and dinner cooking, so that I would be able to dedicate my time to my schoolwork.

4) He has placed his hands on my head many times and given me personal blessings of strength when they were much needed.

5) He has given up hunting trips, camping trips and many other things when I am feeling neglected or we just really didn't have the money for him to go. (Again if you know my husband, you know this is a huge sacrifice for him).

6) He was deployed our first year of marriage, but managed to make sure that I received a gift for every occasion, anniversaries, holidays, birthday etc, all while being in Iraq with limited internet and phone

*most recent example, I received these at work today*

7) He is always willing to drop everything when I need him.

8) He is positive, optimistic and always looking at the bright side even when I may not see a bright side.

9) He constantly calms me down when I am stressed, frustrated, or upset.

10) He is my best friend, which is luckily not a sacrifice for him :)

So here is to 3 years and an eternity more.

I love you with all my heart to our star and back, forever and eternity.

Mom

Since it was recently mother's day, it would be appropriate to honor my amazing mother. Although I think mom's should be honored more than once a year. So here is my amazing parents. My mom is the most amazing person I know. Kind, selfless, giving, caring, and a great example to those around her. I am ever grateful for her help and example that she has shown to me. I do not know where I would be without her! I hope that one day I can be half of the mom that she has been to us. She not only supports us kids, but is also known to take in all of our friends and adopt them into our family. Amazing. She is simply amazing. I am so grateful for her! I love you mom!

*P.S props to my dad who bought flowers for all of the girls in our family, mothers or not.

My parents are AMAZING!

Friendship, Mission, Deployment....

This is post is going to be long, I am just warning you. I will try to break it up so all of my thoughts don't run together.

Friendship

Friendship has many meanings, and for each of us, we probably define friendship slightly different, but when I say friendship most people have an idea of what I mean. I am in awe of the friendship between these three men in the above picture. Kenny, Kelvin and Nate. For those of you that know them you know they come as a packaged deal. In constant communication, always checking in on each other, and for the most part they always know what is going on in each others lives. These 3 also served in Iraq together, about two years ago, and their bond just grew stronger. For the past couple of years our lives have continued, intertwined as we are always doing the same things (they all joined the army at the same time, we all got puppies at the same time, purchased houses around the same time, and went through a deployment at the same time.) Then the news came that would change these three, and I am amazed at how they are handling it. There has been rumors of a deployment for a long time, so we all slowly prepared for the day that we would get those orders.... but in this case Kenny was the only one that got orders this time. For the first time in a long time, these boys would be separated by thousands of miles, and let me tell you, they were not happy about it. Because of their friendship Kelvin and Nate did everything they could to be deployed with Kenny, they volunteered to go, they do not want their friend to be in the war zone alone. Now that to me is friendship. How many of us would volunteer to go to a war zone in order to defend a friend? Unfortunately, they wont let Nate and Kelvin deploy with Kenny, and that has been kind of tough on the 3 of them. But the outpouring of friendship these 3 have has really been a strength to me. What an example they have shown. And I know while Kenny is away, I will have at least two men that I can call anytime for anything.

Mission

Man this year and last year have been the year for missionaries in my family. We have had so many farewells and homecomings that I think my ward thinks I am inactive. What a great blessing missions are. We have been so blessed to have such great missionaries in our family, and this next one will be no exception. This is my cousin Karl. He will be leaving to serve his mission in Texas in the next few days. I know he will do great, and we will surely miss him. But he has been a great example to me of preparing for a mission when it is not always the easiest. He has trudged through as there have been many tries by Satan to hold him back. I cannot wait to see what an impact he will have on the people of Texas. We love you Karl and are so proud of the decision that you have made.

Deployment

And as I already said briefly, Yes we are preparing for deployment #2 in 2 and a half weeks. The road will not be easy, and yes those of you who went through it last time with me I will probably cry whenever I talk about it. Sending your husband to a war zone for a year is not the easiest thing let me tell you. Never knowing when you will hear from him, keeping your phone on you 24/7, it is not fun. Not to mention he will miss many milestones, our 3rd anniversary, Holidays and even my college graduation. But the Lord has a plan, and even though I may not understand why, or may not agree with it right now, we will grow from it, and something good will come out of this in the end. He never said it would be easy, but He did say it would be worth it, and He would never give us more than we can handle. So I am putting my faith in Him to get through this next year. We did it once before, I know we can do it again.

Awesome Giveaway

I know I haven't posted in a long time, this is just a quick shout out to a great website, I promise I will update more soon, but in the mean time check out:

http://ourbeautymark.blogspot.com/

Jewel

The world lost a jewel on Monday, heavenly father gained an angel, and today she was buried. You see this beautiful fun lady is Grandma (Kay) Kirkham. While she is not related to me, she still was my Grandma, just like everyone else she came in contact with, as her son says, you are automatically adopted into her family. There was not a time I did not see this wonderful lady that she was not smiling, and giving hugs. She was full of love. She was a fun, strong, faithful spirit, that I will be forever grateful for knowing. Although she was only in my life for a short time, the imprint that she made in my life is one that I will never forget. I will always remember the contagious laugh, crazy stories, and unconditional love that she showed to those around her. Her family and friends will always cherish the memories that she gave us. THank you Grandma Kirkham for the love that you gave me. For bringing me in to your family and loving me like your own. I will be forever grateful for the love that you showed me. I can only imagine the love and laughter you are now spreading around in heaven. I hope I can take your passion, love, and service and use it in my life. You will be truly missed, but there is peace in knowing you are in a better place, and no longer in pain.

Rest in Peace Grandma Kirkham

---God be with you til we meet again---

Happenings...

I am sorry my blog has been very neglected. Life has been busy and I just don't have the time to upload pictures right now. But I will do a little recap on our Christmas and New Years.

Christmas was great in our house! We both got what we wanted! I got a Cricut Expression, and although I was a little mad that my husband spent way more than the limit, I am very thankful that he got it for me. I got him a Carhartt Jacket, something that he has been wanting for a very long time. Thankfully both of our families live close enough that we could spend Christmas with both families. We spend the first half of the day with my parents because my brother called in the morning. He is enjoying Hungary and has a lot of investigators and baptisms. After the great time with my family we headed to Kenny's family so we could be there for both (yes 2) of his brothers to call from their missions. We heard from Cameron first who is in Minnesota, he said it is cold but he is enjoying himself. Next we heard from Ryan who is in Tennessee and is due home on the 27th (YAY) he is also doing well and enjoying his mission. It is so great to know that we have such valiant missionaries around the world. Please remember them in your prayers.

New Years also happens to be Kenny's birthday so we tend to have a party to celebrate. This year it was at our house and just really had our family over. We played games and had cake and did the usual things. The next day we got up and headed to our friends cabin in Pine. We stayed there for a few days and man it was so amazing! I can never get enough of that retreat! We enjoyed ourselves by playing cards, eating, playing cards, eating, playing mario, playing cards, eating.....(I think you get the pattern) and we enjoy each other's company. I am so blessed to have such great family and friends. We took Addie with us and played in the snow she seemed to enjoy it and just enjoys being outside.

We also were able attend my dear friends college graduation! I am so proud of her and can't wait to be there! Only 2 more semesters!!!

For drill in December Kenny had family day, it was pretty boring and unorganized as usual (isn't that sad) but we did get a chance to tour and ride in their hummers that the use in battle. Man can I just say a ride around the parking lot made my claustrophobic. I can't imagine driving around in those for 12-14 hours a day. Just another experience that made me truly grateful for those that are fighting for our freedom!

I also am kind of ashamed to admit that I fell into peer pressure and read Twilight. Can I just say I read the whole book in about 2 days and I can't wait to get the next in the sequel. I still refuse to see the movies but for all you skeptics like me out there, the book is really good. I am not into vampires and all of that fantasy stuff, but the love story definitely makes up for it!

Well I think that is it for now, here are some pictures of our recent happenings....