There is Sunshine in my Soul..

There is sunshine in my soul today. Why you ask? Because of this beautiful little girl. Everyday I thank Heavenly Father for such a sweet little girl. The love I feel for this little beauty is indescribable. I will admit I was scared to death to have a baby, and that is one of the reasons among others, that we waited so long to have kids. I was the one holding Kenny back. I always joke that if Kenny would have made the decision, we would have had a baby in the first year of marriage. He was ready from the day we got married. I wasn't sure that I would ever be ready, I felt completely inadequate. I know that you can never really be ready for a baby. But I felt that I wasn't even close to being ready. But Heavenly Father definitely has a different plan for us. This pregnancy wasn't planned, but I guess Heavenly Father felt we were ready, and although being a parent isn't easy, I wouldn't trade this beautiful girl for anything.

Mostly I think that Heavenly Father blessed us with this little girl because He knew that I needed her. I know that I am supposed to be the one to help her learn and grow, but she helps me learn and grow everyday. She has strengthened me and given me hope. And on those days when I feel like giving up, like throwing in the towel and saying this deployment is too hard, I look at this beautiful daughter of God and realize that I can't give up, I have to do it for her. I take her in my arms and cuddle her until that feeling goes away and that smile gives me the strength to go on for a few more days.

It is kind of an overwhelming feeling to have someone who relies on you. I have never been a very independent person. It wasn't until Kenny's first deployment that I was kind of forced to find some kind of independence. I have always kind of relied on other people. But now I have this little human being, relying on me. To make sure she is fed, changed, safe and secure. But I love this little girl and hope that I can be a great mom to her like my mom is to me.

Time

A wise woman once said: "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead" — Marjorie Pay Hinckley

When I read this quote one word comes to mind. Time. I never really contemplated how much of an impact time has on life. Our whole life is made up of time. This quote actually makes me feel a little guilty. I feel like half of my married life I have wished away my days waiting for better ones, the ones where my husband would be home and we would be back to our wedded bliss. I am constantly trying to figure out how to truly enjoy life, when my everyday is filled with worry, stress and wondering if my husband will every make it home. How do I truly enjoy life when my best friend and husband is in constant danger? I can't seem to figure it out and then I think of this quote and I am completely baffled and begin to feel like a failure. Is it possible to TRULY enjoy life like this? I wish I could figure it out. But sometimes I feel like it is hard NOT to wish away my days, I am constantly counting down the months, days and weeks until I see my husband again. I guess I need a new perspective and I am not sure how to gain it. I am not saying that I don't enjoy my life, because I do. I have the best family and friends and for the most part I do enjoy my day to day life, but when you add the word TRULY I am not sure I qualify... but I am definitely trying to enjoy my time.

This deployment brought a whole new sense to the word time and this quote in general. The first half up until Kenny's R n R (rest and relaxation) I would say I wished away the days, until my husband came home and our sweet baby girl was born. But now that I have this sweet baby girl, time and I have a love-hate relationship. Baby girl is growing up too fast. I can't believe it has already been 6 weeks, and I want time to stop so that she can be in this cute cuddly stage for a while. On the other hand I want time to speed up because I want my husband home to enjoy this sweet baby girl and all the fun cuddling time that I get. Time- something I love and Hate. Will I ever be satisfied, probably not, just something I needed to get off my mind.

If anyone figures out how to control time. Please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated.

1 month!

This is basically for my own recording purposes. We took baby girl in for her one month check up and she weighed in at 8 lbs 14oz, 22 1/2 inches long, and her head circumference was 14.25! She is sure growing big. She is much more alert and eating like crazy. She also got a shot today and cried during the whole thing. A few funny things about her: she HATES being naked and will scream until you get her clothes back on, which in turn means she hates baths, she doesn't like being poked and prodded (so you can only imagine how she reacts at the doctor's office :)), and she is super long and can no longer wear newborn footsie pajamas because her legs are too long. We can't believe how big she is growing and at this rate Kenny won't even recognize her when he gets home.

We sure love our baby girl! :)

The Garden in Heaven

The garden in Heaven must be abundant with all kinds of delicious vegetables, because you see heaven gained an angel, an excellent gardener and cook. Heaven gained one of the most amazing women I knew, and I pray everyday that I can be more like her. Kathleen Rushton, or Aunt Kay as she was known by most (even though she was most of our great aunts), passed away leaving this world and a lot of pain. Although we are most sad to see her go, it is a true blessing because she is no longer in pain.

Aunt Kay was kind, generous, giving, loving and so many other things. She was always always serving others. She was constantly cooking something delicious and giving it to someone else. I remember as a kid being so anxious to go to Aunt Kay's house because we knew she would be cooking something (if she didn't already have something made for us) and it was sure to be delicious. Aunt Kay could throw anything together and make it taste good, I'm not kidding. Not only was she a great cook and baker, she LOVED her garden. In fact, I think working in her garden kept her healthy longer. And even in her last days, when she was so weak her husband said he couldn't keep her out of her garden. Her son even shared a story at her funeral, one day she went out to tend to her garden and fell. She called for her husband but he was nowhere to be found. So she began picking the weeds around her, and moving around to get the weeds close to her. Eventually she was able to get back up and go inside, when her husband asked what she was doing she simply replied, "I was out picking weeds in the garden." She was always out in her garden, and it was the best garden I have ever seen.

The story above shares another great attribute of my aunt Kay. She was always positive. Aunt Kay has been sick for YEARS, but nobody ever heard her complain. She made the best out of every situation no matter what and that is something that I wish I could apply into my life. I never saw Aunt Kay without a smile on her face, and you never got away without getting a hug from her. She was truly happy and great at keeping positive, when I am sure that most would have surely given up.

I am sure that I will never meet anyone like Aunt Kay, and I am grateful for the summers I got to spend with her. I am sad that she did not live to meet my own little girl, but I hope that I can pass on some of her great attributes.

We love you Aunt Kay, you will be missed. Say hello to grandpa for me.