Happy Birthday Aunt Jean

I’ve been trying to find the right words to say. Trying to figure out where to go from here. Life has been so heavy lately. So unfair it seems. So much sadness. Grief is such an interesting emotion. It comes in waves. I’ll be doing just fine and then in an instant I’ll be in tears. I try so hard to just put on a smile, but inside I’m just so sad. I know life isn’t fair, and I know none of us are immune to pain and sadness. But I honestly never thought we would loose you so soon. You always told me you loved my blogs, loved when I wrote. Well I hope you’re reading this, from the other side.

I don’t think I have a memory growing up without you in it. Our families were interchangeable. Instead of my aunt, you were a second mom, and your kids, my siblings. My kids were like your grandchildren. Every major life moment you were there. Flying out or driving down to everything. Births, blessings, baptisms. You would even come without a reason. I remember every time we had a 3 day weekend I would try to convince you to come for a visit. We even met half way in St. George one time. Just because. 

     I looked forward to going to Utah every summer. You always had ideas of where we would take the kids, and what we would do. This year was no different. You were sending me ideas weeks in advance. You were always prepared with carrots so we could feed the horses behind your house. It was something Rhett especially looked forward to. 

    We had so many great memories. From when you lived with me for the year Kenny was gone. To making sugar cookies with the kids, man I’ll miss your sugar cookies. You were great at always playing with the kids. All of them. They knew when Aunt Jean came, it was time to play. We also knew when Aunt Jean was around lots of laughs were to happen. So often you laughed so hard you peed your pants. We will never forget those moments. When we found out we were having another girl, I told Kenny her middle name was going to be Jean. So whatever we decided as her first name, it had to go with Jean.  I couldn't think of a better way to honor our relationship.  And I know my little spitfire will honor your name, hopefully it will remind her to be more kind like you were. :)

Our girls trips were memories I will always cherish. We always got pedicures, you loved doing that. And Jordan usually made us laugh by picking an insane amount of colors for her toes and then suggesting fun colors for you. We always saw a show a Tuacahn. And we never had good luck with the weather. It was either extremely hot or windy and miserable. But we went anyway, always enjoying the time together in the beautiful red rocks. We started a list on my phone of all the places we enjoyed in St. George, so we would remember to go to them year after year. Oh how I wish we were going again this year. 

     When you came to Arizona we had our regular places too. We always had to go to QT for a fountain drink and “funky doodle” as you called them. Most mornings you would even have a fountain drink waiting for me before I even woke up, because you were always up so early.  We usually had to go to Mattas because you remembered loving it from your Mountainside days. Although last time we went you said it had gotten to expensive and we didn’t have to go again. That was the last time you were here.

     Sometimes it’s so weird to even say that. The last time you were here. We sat on the couch and watched Hoarders. If I had known that was really one of the last times I was going to see you, would I have done things differently? Would I have made better use of the time? 

      You were always serving. It was one of your many qualities. Even in the last time you were here, you were here to help drive my kids around since I had broken my ankle. And you were always early for everything. You always said I’d rather be really early than late. If I’m going to be late I’d rather not go. I remember you hated the traffic on the 202, so we left super early and the kids were earlier to school than I think they have ever been. Haha. I can't imagine what would have happened if you hadn't been here when Rem was so sick and spend time in the PICU.  The Lord knew I would need you that trip, you stepped in and took care of my other kids so Kenny could work and Mom could be with me at the hospital.  There are so many memories, like the time you convinced Grandma to fly down for the twins blessing and surprised me. I had no idea she was coming, you and mom were good at keeping that secret.

      You got me my first job at GameOn, and then onto Mountainside. I remember everyone saying oh your Jean’s niece. Everyone loved you there. And it was kind of intimidating, because I felt like I had a name to live up too. I don’t think you realized it but everyone loved you. You had so many friends and people who thought so highly of you. 

"Live every day like it's your last," its a quote or saying that I have heard my whole life.  I never thought it would apply so closely to my life.  I have so many regrets, I wish I would have talked to you more the last day I saw you, wish I would have hugged you when you left. I just assumed I would see you the next day, because that's how it always was when we were in Utah. Aggie Ice Cream, Fredrico's, Gossner's, the discount shop, the pepperidge farm factory.

There are so many memories, I could probably fill pages and pages with memories.  I am thankful for those memories.  I will keep these close to my heart and speak of them often.  I will make sure your memory lives on in our hearts.  I hope I can be as strong as you were, resilient, kind and always serving. I need to be better at that. I hope you are having a great birthday with Grandpa, I will have a Dr.Pepper and funkydoodle for you. We love you and miss you more than you will ever know. Until we meet again. 💜

Mom truths

So remember my most recent post (you can find it here) about time being a thief and wishing I could soak up every moment of my kids childhood. Well this week I take it back.  I think this picture of Rhett describes my feelings exactly.

Overall I have really enjoyed summer break.  We have had lots of quality time together.  Read LOTS too much time together.  I think there is a good reason why we aren't normally together all the time.  Just as much as I need a break from my children, they need a break from me, and each other.  The fighting has increased a billion percent and it seems like we aren't even awake for a few minutes before my big kids are arguing and someone ends up crying.  Throw in twin toddlers who are either getting into everything, screaming mom every 5 minutes, and the big kids antagonizing them.... well you get the picture.

Isn't it funny the emotions you go through as a parent?  You can have such an immense love for your children and also be counting the minutes until bedtime all in the same hour.  You can go from wanting to spend every minute with them and taking them to do all the fun things, and also be hiding in the closet just trying to enjoy a minute of peace. Parenthood is full of so many emotions. So so many. And you know what, that's okay.

Just because I need a break from my children doesn't make me a bad mom.  Actually in my case, it makes me a better mom.  Ever hear the phrase "distance makes the heart grow fonder?" Well it applies to children as well.  When I get a break, I have more patience, I am less exhausted, and I am a better mom for it.  Even a short break makes all the difference.

We only have a few more days before my big kids are back in school and we go back to a normal routine, and I may be counting down the days.  Does that make me a bad mom? I don't think so. Trust me, I'm sure after a week or two of them in school I'll be wishing they were home again.  And that is the irony of motherhood.

Time is a thief...

Does anyone else feel like January 1st was just yesterday?  What the heck happened to this year? I cannot believe we are already in July, and in a short 6 months we will be in the year 2020.  My mind is blown!

Time is such a crazy thing.  Sometimes I want to speed it up and sometimes I want it to slow down.  Recently I have been trying better to live in each day, in each moment, instead of wishing time would slow down or fly by.  

It can be so hard to try to make every moment count.  I will be the first to admit that I can get caught up in the social media hole, or getting mindlessly caught up in whatever TV show I am watching.  But as my kids get older it makes me sad to think that soon enough they will be out of my house and all of these moments I could have been doing a better job.  I want my kids to remember that I tried my best, had fun with them, but also encouraged them to have fun on their own.  I want to remember the fun times we had, and also the simple quiet moments of movie watching as a family, or eating dinner together.  

It seems like the older I get the faster time goes.  I don't know if there is a correlation because I am busier and most days just trying to stay afloat.  Or if time is playing a trick on me.  But either way I don't like it.  

Being present.  It can be so.dang.hard.

I recently took a trip to Utah and told myself I would try harder to put my phone away.  It was so refreshing to spend time with my grandma, to just listen to her stories and take it all in.  I don't know how many more years we will have together, nobody really knows how much time they have left on this earth.  It is so important, to be present, ask questions, take it all in.  I am so glad that I made a more conscious effort and it truly made a difference.

What are some ways you stay present and enjoy the little moments?  I would love any ideas that you have.

It's Great to be EIGHT!

We had a crazy few weeks in March! We raced home from Disneyland (we drove home Friday) so that we could be home to get everything ready for Kenz to be baptized on Saturday.  To say it was a busy and exhausting week was an understatement.  We are so thankful that Kenzi made the decision to be baptized.  She is an amazing daughter, sister and friend.  She is so responsible, caring, loving and thoughtful.  We are so blessed with her in our family.  I can't believe she is 8.  She is growing to fast and it kind of makes me sad. 

She was baptized on March 16th, by her dad.  Her dad also confirmed her a member of the church.  She was shy and nervous at first.  And she still wasn't big on all the attention.  She is 100% her mothers child.  Although she has grown so much in the last year, she is still my shy and quiet girl when there are lots of people around.

My wonderful sister in law took baptism pictures in front of the Gilbert temple and they turned out amazing.  We sure love this sweet sweet girl.

Our most recent Disneyland trip

For Spring Break this year we went to Disneyland to watch my daughter perform with her dance company.  We knew going into it the trip that it was spring break so it was going to be crowded.  We just hoped for the best, and luckily my parents went with us, which was a lot of help.

This time around we rented a condo that was within walking distance from the park.  It was nothing fancy but it was great for us.  It had 3 bedrooms and 1 and 1/2 bath.  It even had a crib for us to use, and a stroller available as well. It was about a 7-10 min walk to Disneyland and it was perfect, after a long day at Disneyland though it felt like the longest walk ever, of course :).  But I would definitely recommend renting a condo/house next time you go.  You pay about as much as you would for a hotel room and you get way more room.

We decided to leave a day early and visit my grandma and her husband in Yuma on the way to California.  I am so glad we did this.  It is so nice to visit with my grandma as much as we can.  We enjoy seeing her and my kids love her.  So after spending some time with her we were off to Disneyland!

We arrived in California on Sunday and had originally planned to go to Disneyland on Monday.  Unfortunately Kenz ended up being sick so we decided to give her Monday to completely rest up, we just did some exploring in Downtown Disney and we headed to the parks on Tuesday.  

Kenny and I had already discussed that this trip would be more about the kids, we had prepared ourselves to be disappointed if we did not get to ride most of the "big kid" rides.  And I am so glad we did, because truth told this trip was exhausting, in a different kind of way, but we still had so much fun!

 The twins did NOT want to ride in the stroller.   Which obviously made things difficult.  We let them then walk as much as we could, like while going through Downtown Disney and walking from the condo.  But once we got into the craziness of Disneyland it became much harder to keep track of them walking,  But when we put them in the stroller they would scream and cry and toss and turn.  So it was interesting to say the least.  We tried to do an equal amount if crying and walking, I'm sure we looked like quite the circus act.  In hindsight I should have prepared them more for being in the stroller.  We just don't use the stroller much at home, so I can't blame them for not really wanting to be in it.

My mom suggested last minute that we do a character dining this time around and thankfully we found an opening at Goofy's Kitchen, and I am so glad we did! My kids had so much fun! The characters are great and the food was pretty good.  They had so many options, literally something for everyone.  I can't wait to try the other character dining options next time we are there.

 Kenz really wanted to try to get as many characters to sign her autograph book as possible, and I think we did a pretty good job.  We met lots of princesses and characters, it was so fun to see the excitement in her eyes from meeting and talking to them all.  She was a lot braver than I thought she would be, I am so proud of how much she has grown in the past year.

On Thursday Kenz performed at California Adventure with her dance company.  It was so cool to see her up there performing, an experience I am sure she will never forget.  Her cousin is in her dance company as well, so she then got to ride a few rides with her.  I wish we could have coordinated more time together, but I am grateful for the time that they did have.

Tate was SOOOOOO excited to ride the Incredicoaster.  Last time we went, when it was still California Screaming, he was too short to ride it.  I remember him going up to be measured, and the cast member told him he was not tall enough, to which he replied "But mom I'll sit really still, I promise."  And it broke my heart.  He was so sad he couldn't ride it.  So you bet he jumped on it every chance he got! He rode it so many times and kept asking when he could go on it again.  He is my thrill seeker, he loved Guardians of the Galaxy as well.  He wanted to go on any roller coaster he could,  I love his fierce, brave soul. 

Overall it was an exhausting and great trip.  I love seeing Disneyland through my kids eyes.  I love to see what they are excited for.  We got to catch one of the parades which the twins loved, they got to go on quite a few rides, note so self Rem is NOT a fan of Pirates of the Caribbean.  Apparently the drop at the beginning is scary for some two year old, whoops, forgot about that.  I can't wait until the next trip when they are a little older.